If you’re at all like me, your New Year’s resolutions usually last until the final strains of Auld Lang Syne fade into the night sky– right around the time Ryan Seacrest desperately attempts (through riveting interviews with the likes of Hannah Montana) to convince America not to turn off its TVs and go to sleep.
Of course, the fact that we’ve failed every single year to keep our resolutions never stops us from resolving away on January first. The problem is that in our festive, fireworks-and-sparkling-cider-induced state of euphoria, we actually believe ourselves capable of accomplishment (I’m guessing if booze is added into the mix, notions of superhuman ability are only magnified). Once the confetti has hit the floor though, you realize the limitations of the human body and mind, and go get a twinkie/cigarette/Jack Daniels/styrofoam plate made of non-recyclable materials and let all resolve fly out the window.
No matter your stellar intentions, I’ve got news for you: You will not quit smoking this year. You will not get in shape. You will not feed orphans in Somolia. You will not save a rainforest. You will not find love on match.com. Why set yourself up for disappointment? Why not shoot for something that is actually within your grasp? Let’s aim lower, people. (Yes, I do believe I’ve missed my true calling as a motivational speaker.)
For example, a typical Armando Benitez New Year’s resolution might go something like: "I will not blow 67 saves this season. I will not anger hundreds of thousands of baseball fans with my real bad pitching."
As with most resolutions, this kind of pie-in-the-sky thinking will have Armando berating himself in disgust by April 1st. A better resolution would be more along the lines of: "I will not wear a frilly pink pinafore to the mound more than twice this season. I will still be loved by at least
my mother Jesus by October first." See? Unlike the former, this resolution is totally doable! Well, at least the first part. The second may depend on whether or not our Savior is a baseball fan.
If you really wish to continue wallowing in guilt, self-loathing and failure, by all means, add "go to the gym more" to your list of resolutions. As for me, this year I resolve to purchase zero or fewer Chase Utley jerseys, to eat at least 37 Dolphin Stadium frozen lemonades, to yell at 799 or more Mets fans, and to gain a minimum of .67 pounds. Success, here I come.
Happy New Year.