I am continuing my series of favorite Marlins quotes for the season, as long as our boys keep supplying them:
"We needed to check the lug nuts on the wagon wheels before we went out there. He threw a great game…then the wagon wheels fall off. Every day, we’ve got to keep reminding ourselves to tighten up those lug nuts. It’s a tough stretch.” ~Marlins pitcher Lee Gardner on Monday’s 8th inning meltdown
I am not entirely certain what a lug nut is, and am even less sure of how the analogy applies to the game of baseball, but I must give Gardy props for his imaginative new way of dealing with the press in post-disaster interviews. It would probably be in poor taste to simply blurt out, "Wow, we really s*ck," so I believe Lee is taking the right approach with the media. In fact, I think the entire team could learn from our middle reliever.
Since not all ball players are as good with words as Gardner obviously is, and he is likely too busy pitching to instruct his teammates in the art of dancing around questions from sports reporters, I am here to help. (You’re welcome.) The following answers can be used in response to nearly any question the press can cook up, but I have supplied "example" questions to give you a general idea of the proper usage of these quotes.
Q: The Marlins committed 72 errors in the 1st inning. What happened out there?
A: Well, we wanted to hand in a good paper, obviously, but then we forgot to run spell check. The typos just popped up everywhere, our prepositions were out of control, and don’t even get me started on those gerunds. We need to remember to dot those i’s and cross the t’s before every inning. Gotta bring that GPA up.
Q: You haven’t won a start in 8 weeks. Is it a physical problem? Mechanical?
A: I don’t think so. I’m just going into that laundromat without separating the lights from the darks, ya know? You get one red shirt in with your whites, and it’s a load of pink laundry, son. Other than that, I can only say that I haven’t been bringing enough quarters for the spin cycle, and the change machine is out of order.
Q: Some people feel your weight is out of control. What do you say to that?
A: There are two kinds of people in this world: those who like online banking, and those who don’t. I happen to love it. I mean, you’re saving stamps, there are no more checks to write, and of course you get to skip that trip to the post office to mail out bills. I do realize the internet isn’t for everyone, though, and I respect that.
As soon as you get comfortable with these examples, feel free to branch out on your own. Get creative. If you find yourself in trouble, there are always nuts and bolts to fall back on. And if things get really dicey, you can always pull out the big guns with a reference to rivets and studs.